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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really
sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have
to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things
went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street --
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company
quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.
"How's business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold a
tractor in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the salesman.
"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg
so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and
she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of
the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow,
I'll buy a tractor from you!!"
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